8 Ways To Encourage A Chronically Ill Mom

Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the beach, backyard BBQs, or kids reading groups at the library. These are all wonderful times to get to know other mothers and share in wearing out your kids, as well as gaining some understanding from other parents. But the number of women who live with chronic illnesses such as fibromyalgia and diabetes continues to grow, the spontaneity of these fun activities is easily disrupted.

For example, the National Fibromyalgia Association reports that fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide deal with illness symptoms commonly associated with FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. When I recently went to an adoptive mom's playgroup, just within this niche group, three out of the six of the women there lives with a chronic illnesses. Being aware of what a friend can and cannot do, and acknowledging that you know some days will have different limitations and challenges, can make a significant impact in these mom's ability to participate and feel comfortable with other mothers.

[1]. Ask what time of the day is good for play-dates or activities. This can vary from season to season (weather affects it a great deal); and also from one illness to another. For some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others it's the other way around.

[2] Be understanding if she has to cancel, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is unpredictable. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice therapies, took extra medication and tried not to complain. But all my plans were cancelled with no advance warning.

[3] Communicate with her that you understand she has some limitations. So ask "How far are you comfortable walking today?" and try to accommodate. A two-block walk to the park may seem like miles for her and the few stairs may be impossible. I won't even take escalators any more with my poor knees, so take the elevator with her. Don't run ahead of her, unless you are chasing your kids (or hers!) and understand she may need to sit down on a bench for a few minutes to rest, even after walking just one-hundred feet. Standing can also be hard, so even if the carousel line looks like a ten minute weight, she may need for you to stand in line and then let her jump in at the last minute.

[4] Show some interest in what she deals with but ask politely. For example, say, "What is your greatest challenge?" Avoid sharing with her about the many cures you've heard about on TV and in the magazines for her illness; don't try to sell her products from your trunk that will cure here overnight; and don't think that it will encourage her to hear about your mother's cousin's sister who has the same illness but still manages to raise four children and work a midnight shirt at the local hospital because she "refuses to give in her illness."

[5] Simple things that may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, ask her if she'd like to be dropped off with some stuff and save you a spot. She may not be able to plop down on the hard sand so remember to bring a few lawn chairs so she isn't the only one two feet above the others. Most people on medication need shade and limited sun exposure. And don't expect her to carry the cooler, the poodle, the beach toys and watch the twin 2-year-olds while you park the car. While you don't want to make her feel helpless, and she doesn't want the attention, be aware that she may need some extra considerations.

[6] Don't presume that she can watch your children diligently, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Taking care of kids is exhausting and caring for her own may be draining the little strength she had left. Plus, if your kids are run out into the street, keep in mind that she may not physically be able to sprint after them as fast as you could.

[7] Plan activities that she can be a part of. While you may love your stroller exercise groups, and mommy and me gym classes, these may not be possible for her. Find out what types of things she likes to do and then ask if you can join her for these. Keep the activities under two or three hours; even though you may typically go to the zoo for six hours, understand that she may need to leave earlier than you. Don't say, "A little more walking may do you some good!"

[8] Lastly, tell her what every mom longs to hear: "I don't know how you do it. I really admire your perseverance and strength. You're my hero."

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Download 40 free pages of "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" by Lisa Copen when you subscribe to HopeNotes chronic illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Awareness Week.

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