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What To Do When The Other Parent Is The Problem?

By: Dr. Noel Swanson...
 

Q. My stepson, who is four years old, goes to visit his real mother on weekends if and when she is available because she is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. These visitations do more harm to our son than good. When he comes back he is very sad and doesn't say a word for hours.

A. This is, indeed, an unusual situation, though it is very common with separated parents. Generally, the child living with the mother goes to the father for the weekend. But the effect of the meeting is the same: the child behaves queerly - either loud and noisy or absolutely sad and silent.

Now, the question is how to overcome this problem.

First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.

Basically, there are two different scenarios. The first is somewhat like our reader's, in which the 'other' parent is not normal. The second is of different parenting styles between one home and the other. Here we will focus on the first kind.

How do you identify the problem? There are various features that suggest that. For instance, the parent can't be relied on. He/she promises to call or come, but fails to do so. This raises the hopes of the child and heightens the disappointment later on.

Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.

Some parents are so caught up in their emotions that they, intentionally or inadvertently, start using the child as a messenger for conveying unpleasant remarks about each other. This is damaging for the child. It gives him wrong ideas and he may develop an attitude to play one parent against the other for personal gains.

All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging. They desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care.

Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom's complaints.

If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won't be easy.

First, explore the option of mediation or the courts. In such an extreme case the other parent should probably be denied access to the child. Of course, it will probably be more difficult to convince the courts.

What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?

Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.

It's important to record all these events; they will come in handy in court. Also, think of consulting a counselor to help you deal with the harmful effects of this on your child. And, they will testify these effects on the child in court.

In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

Article Source: Main Articles

Dr. Noel Swanson has years of experience in helping parents with child behavior problems. To read more of his expert parenting advice visit his website and check out his GOOD CHILD Guide manual, jammed full of extremely helpful parenting advice.

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